Do you ever find your child sitting on the couch, stunned, and you feel like something is wrong, but you don't know how to ask them? Or are they in the middle of an emotional storm, screaming, and you stand there and say things like "Don't worry" or "It's nothing," because you just don't know what else to say? And you feel like it's not helping?
It's not that you're not doing it right. It's that talking to children about feelings is really hard . Nobody taught us how to do it. And a child who is still searching for words for what's going on in their body and mind needs something more than advice or reassurance.
He needs a bridge. Words that will help him get from the chaos of big feelings back to you.
Why words matter more than we think
When a child experiences a strong emotion (anger, fear, disappointment), logic simply doesn't work. Maybe you've experienced it yourself. When you're really upset, someone's rational explanation won't help you, right? Children are the same. At that moment, they don't need to hear why they shouldn't be afraid or that "everything will be fine." They need to hear that you're there. That you see it. And that what they're experiencing makes sense. That's the foundation for building self-confidence in children, knowing that they can rely on themselves in their experiences.
The words you use at such a moment can do two things: they can either help the feeling dampen its intensity a little, or they can barricade it even more inside.
This isn't a three-step guide to raising an emotionally intelligent child. It's just a few sentences that have been proven to work better than others in real life. Sentences that will give you a little confidence in those moments when you don't know what to say.
7 Sentences That Open Up Space (and Why They Work)
Note: Some sentences work better for older children. If your child is 3-4 years old, start with the easier ones (#1, #3, #6). Gradually add the others as they grow.
1. "I can see you're finding this difficult."
This is not a solution. It's an acknowledgment. You're telling your child, "I get you. What you're going through is real." It works because they need to feel understood before they can even think about the feeling. Try this instead of "It's not that bad" or "Don't worry." You'll see how quickly your child relaxes a little.
2. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
This type of question gives your child control. You're not forcing them to talk, you're giving them a chance. Sometimes they'll say no, and that's okay. But just by asking, you've shown them that you're here if they want to. It works better than "What happened?" or "Why are you crying?", which can sound like an interrogation.
3. "It's okay to feel this way."
This is permission. You're saying, "Your feeling has a place here." That's something most of us didn't hear as children. We often heard that we shouldn't be angry, that we shouldn't cry, that we should be braver. This is a different approach. When a child hears that their anger or sadness is okay, they stop fighting the feeling and can start processing it .
4. "Does it feel like [insert specific feeling]?"
You offer a word. Many children simply don't yet have a vocabulary for what they're experiencing. When you say, "Do you feel angry?" or "Are you sad?" you give them the option to accept or reject the label. And just by giving a name to a feeling, it becomes more manageable.
Try to be specific. The most common feelings in children:
- Disappointed: when something didn't happen as expected
- Frustrated: when something is difficult and you can't do it
- Lonely: when they feel unseen or abandoned
- Angry: angry when feeling unfair or powerless
- Afraid: afraid of something specific or unclear
- Overwhelmed: when there is too much at once (common in highly sensitive children)
If you're not sure, offer two options: "Are you disappointed, or are you more angry?" Often the child will clarify.
5. "What do you need most right now?"
This question teaches your child to listen to themselves. Sometimes they'll say, "I want to be alone." Sometimes, "I want a hug." And often, they'll say, "I don't know," and that's also an answer. You're showing them that their needs are important and that you can ask for them. That's the foundation of building healthy boundaries and self-awareness.
For younger children (3-5 years old), you can simplify it: "Do you want a hug, or do you want to be alone for a while?" A specific choice is easier for them than an open-ended question.
6. "I'm here with you. I'm not leaving."
In moments when a feeling is too big for words, there is no need for a complex sentence. Just being present. This is not passive. It is an active decision to stay, even when it is difficult. A child does not need you to solve the feeling. They need to know that they are not alone in it.
7. "We'll try to get through this together."
This phrase works when the worst of the storm has passed. “Together” is the key word. You don’t solve it for them. You do it as a team. This builds the child’s awareness that they can cope with difficulties (builds self-confidence), and at the same time, they don’t have to do everything alone.
What if I can't control myself?
Sometimes there's no room for any of these sentences because you're on edge yourself. The baby's screaming, you're sleep-deprived, you're hungry, and you feel your fists clenching. That's okay too.
At such a time, you can say, "I need a moment to calm down. We'll talk later."
This is not a failure. It's a model for taking care of your own feelings. Your child sees that even adults have boundaries, even adults need a break. This is also a lesson about feelings.
You can lock yourself in the bathroom for three minutes. You can take a deep breath before you say anything. You can say out loud, "I'm really angry right now. I need to calm down." There's nothing wrong with that. On the contrary. You're showing how to deal with emotions in a healthy way when they're overwhelming.
3 sentences that do nothing (even if they are well-meaning)
1. "Don't be afraid." / "Don't cry."
We probably say it automatically. We want the child to feel better. But this sentence says, "Your feeling is wrong." But fear or sadness is not something you can turn off on command. Telling a child not to be afraid doesn't make them afraid. It just teaches them that they should hide their fear.
2. "It's nothing." / "It's not that bad."
Maybe it's not really that bad for you. But for a child who just lost their favorite toy or is afraid of the dark, it's huge. This sentence minimizes what they're experiencing. And the child's takeaway from it is, "My feeling doesn't matter." You don't want that. For highly sensitive children, this sentence is even more painful. Their nervous system is actually experiencing things more intensely. When you tell them, "It's nothing," you're denying their true experience. And they feel like, "There's something wrong with me."
3. "You have to be brave." / "Big boys/girls don't cry."
This sentence makes demands on what a child should be. But bravery doesn't mean not being afraid. It means fighting through fear. And crying isn't weakness, it's the body's way of releasing tension. When you tell a child that their reaction is wrong, they learn to suppress their feelings instead of learning to work with them.
When you run out of words (and it will happen)
Even if you know all the right sentences in the world, sometimes you just don't know what to say. The child is upset, you're tired, and nothing feels right. That's normal.
This is where tools that speak for you can help. For example, our children's affirmation cards . They are not magic formulas, but they are words that you can use when you don't know where to start. Sentences like "I am brave, even though I am afraid" or "My feelings have a place" give your child a language for their inner world. And they give you a bridge to talk to.
When a child looks at a card and says, "That's exactly how I feel," a door opens. And you don't have to come up with a new sentence every day. The cards give you a vocabulary that you can refer back to again and again. That's the power of ritual.
It's not about perfection.
There's no parent who always says the right thing. Sometimes you just say, "Don't cry," or "It's okay," because you're tired and don't know what else to say. And you know what? That's okay too. The point is that you try something different at least once in a while. That in the moments when you have the space, you choose words that open up instead of words that close down.
Your child doesn't need a perfect parent. They need a parent who tries. And you're already doing that by reading this.
Frequently asked questions
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At what age can I talk to children about feelings like this?
Even children around 2-3 years old can understand basic feelings, but they need much simpler sentences. At this age, #1 ("I see that..."), #3 ("It's okay..."), and #6 ("I'm here with you") work best. Gradually add other sentences as the child grows. Around 5-6 years old, most children can answer questions about their feelings and name what they need. -
What if the child doesn't respond to any of these sentences?
Sometimes a child just needs silence and your presence. They don't have to answer for it to make sense. The fact that you're there, that you said that sentence, does its job in itself. It allows the feeling to be, even if you're silent about it. You can just sit next to them and breathe calmly. That's also an answer. -
Can I use these sentences even if I'm angry myself?
You can. But if you know you're not calm, it's better to take a few breaths first before you start talking. There's no shame in saying, "I need a moment to calm down, and then we'll talk." It shows that adults need space to express their feelings, too. That's more important than pretending to be calm when you're not. -
What if my child says he wants to be alone, but I feel like I don't want to leave him?
Respect his request, but stay close. You can say, "Okay, I'll be there. If you want, I'm here." That's space, but not abandonment. This gradually builds trust in you, and at the same time, the child checks that he hasn't lost you. You can leave him alone in the room and after a few minutes, discreetly check in to see how he's doing. -
Will affirmation cards help even if my child cannot read?
Yes. You can read them to him. Or he can just choose pictures that appeal to him. It's mainly about the ritual and the words you say. Over time, the child will associate that moment of peace with the cards and will start reaching for them on his own. Some children take the cards to kindergarten or hide them under their pillow. The words settle in even without reading. -
What if my child says he or she is sad, but I don't know why?
You don't always have to know the reason. Just acknowledge the feeling: "You're sad. I'm here with you." Often the reason will reveal itself when the child calms down a bit. Sometimes the reason isn't clear even to them, and that's okay. Feelings don't always have to make logical sense to be genuine.
